The idea of this crane thing has become more of a project than anything. My mind keeps changing. 1000 little wishes or one big wish. Why would I fold 1000 cranes? Partly because I'm crazy. But more importantly, because I'm in love. Let me tell you about it. I know this guy who I've known for some time. But more recently he has turned my life upside down. I fell in love. What's wrong with this you may ask? Well, a number of things. First off, I'm still not sure I know the definition of love ( but I'll elaborate on this later). Secondly, he is everything I(well most girls for that matter) want in a guy. He's smart. He'll totally deny it, but it's true. With more than a handful of associates degrees and a double major at a big university, he's got it in the brains category (not to mention that he's off to med school pretty soon). He's sincere. So I have confessed my feelings for this guy in a heartfelt and maybe somewhat mean(can't help it, I'm a bitch) letter. Instead of telling me that he's not that into me, he apologizes, and still offers to be my friend. But sincerity aside, he's also gosh darn cute. Let me tell you he has the most beautiful eyes. Not quite brown not, quite hazel, not quite green. He's tall. He's handsome. His name is somewhat exotic. (I would love to disclose, but I'm trying keep some anonymity to this blog, seeing as I'm about to reveal the number one reason why we won't work.). He also plays a million musical instruments. Now I over exaggerate with the number, but this kid can pick up a musical instrument he's never played before, and magically make music. He's very athletically inclined. He's done triathlons and marathons and he was a rower and he bikes. He's funny. Partially because I think he had a hard time fitting in in high school. So he learned how to be a cool kid and applied that once he got to college. He can take a story and make it funny, even if it wasn't. But let me stop telling you how good he is, because he does have his flaws. He's sometimes arrogant. He knows he can obtain pretty much anything he puts his mind to if he really wants it and he's not to shy to tell you. I think the 'jock-itude' rubbed off on him when he joined the row team, because he wasn't always like that. His arrogance especially shines when he's talking about girls. He has a tendency to tell me of his dates and excursions out with these girls (like I want to hear them). He knows that he can very well get almost any girl he wants and he takes that to his advantage to "shop around." Now don't get me wrong, he's no man whore, but he's still a guy. Anyway, I tell you all of this, because it brings me to my other point. He's so almost perfect, that we would never work out. He's everything I'm not. Frankly I don't want to elaborate on this idea too much, because it will lower my already sub-level self-esteem, but let's just say, "my ugly self has made some stupid choices in my not so fit-living musically challenged life. This brings me to the last reason why we would never work. I happen to be married. How does the last segway bring me to my final point. Well, it's this. One of the choices I made without clearly thinking it through, was getting married. I married my husband in hopes of one day falling in love with him, unfortunately I fell for someone else. Like I said before, it wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't quite content living the lie I've been living, but I sure as in hell was use to it. And then "he" came back into my life. I feel as though I'm being punished for my lie to my husband. And maybe I very well deserve to be. It's not fair to my husband to let me continue down this loveless road. I don't hate him, and I know he deserves someone who loves him back (that person just isn't me). I think the universe is telling me that this is what you get for lying. Fall in love with someone you know you can't ever have. Well, I tell the universe this: $&@! you. I live a relatively good life. Frankly I can't help who I fall for. I might have married my husband for all the wrong reasons (low self esteem, the baby, the fact that he was my first, our 3+ years we spent together), but I would think that I'm allowed a couple of strikes before striking out. Some of you may ask 'how do you know you love this other guy? or does he even love you back?' Well let's approach these questions one at a time. I'll be honest, I'm not sure what love is. But I do know one thing, he makes me feel. I mean I'm pretty detached from the world in front of me. I go through the day to day motions but with little emotion behind them. I find it hard to cry when things are sad, comfort my friends when they are having a bad day, and I find it difficult to be happy. Yeah, I do get angry sometimes, but overall there's not much there. Then one day, I feel. I feel an overwhelming feeling of happiness, contentment, sadness, and everything in between. He made me cry. He told me something deep. Something he hasn't told most people. This guys words moved me, and his tears unlocked something inside of me. Even before that day, that conversation, that moment, I knew I enjoyed his company. He made me happy. He took me away from everything that made me unhappy. Furthermore, he listened. He cared. I think about him all the time. Which leads me to answer the second question. Does he feel the same way. Realistically speaking probably not. Of course like a high school girl I see these signs that would make me believe he might. We talk about things that I'm sure he doesn't talk about with the other girls in his life. I know as a friend I can count on him if I really need him. But it's the way he looks at me, that makes me believe he might like me. It makes me believe that he might have liked me in the past. The look he gives me melts my heart. A few weeks ago, he helped me study for a final, and I have convinced myself that we had a moment together. I wrote this:
"When I touch his hand, my heart starts racing. Something tells me, he might feel the same. I gaze into his eyes and fall to pieces. These feelings I have are hard to explain. I'm nervous. I'm happy, I'm anxious, I'm sad. To be with him that short time feels like eternity. Happiness is being with him, to love him and be loved. My only wish: that he is a part of my life, always."
A look is all I'm going off of. A look and well, a wish. So the long story brings me to the title of this blog. 1000 cranes for love. Wishing on a star seems so typical. Tapping on a clock when all the numbers are the same is getting me nowhere. These cranes on the other hand mean a little more. I'm not sure if any of you have heard of Corinne Bailey Rae. She is my all time favorite artist (it helps that he likes her too). She has this video titled "like a star" (Check out the re-release version of it, because that's where this whole paper birds thing comes from). The words of the song speak my feelings for this guy. I mean, you couldn't put a song together any better than this (well except for her song "I won't let you lie to yourself"). But the video has these little origami birds in it. You can see them in the first minute of the video. So I thought I would fold a crane for this guy with the lyrics of one of her songs on the inside in hopes that he would figure it out, open it up, see how romantic and sweet the idea was, and tell me he has feelings for me too (yes, I live in a fantasy world sometimes. I'm sure we all do at some point in our life. I didn't mention that he never actually expressed his feelings for me. He just apologized when I told him how I felt. I feel like there still might be a glimmer of hope). As I was looking up the directions on how to fold one of those little paper birds, I came across a Japanese legend. The legend states that if a person folds a 1000 origami cranes, and makes a wish, there wish will come true. So I want to fold these cranes. What will my wish be? I'm sure you have guessed it. But I've thought about it, and fiddled around with the idea, and have changed the rules of the game. Instead of one great big wish for me, I hope to allow 1000 people to make one little wish. Each wish will be written on each crane. I hope that in the process of folding these cranes I might be able to find myself, and stop obsessing over this person. This project started out as another way to express my feelings for him, but as I move forward, I hope to make a 1000 little wishes come true. Please send me in you wishes, and don't forget to say tuned to see what I might possibly wish for. Thanks for reading.
P.S. Check out this wikipedia article to learn more origami cranes. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thousand_origami_cranes
