I hoped that the feelings I had would be nothing more than a time in my life that I'd like to put behind me. But fortunately I have not. I cannot. I seem to be drawn back to this almost nightmare every single day. I had a dream recently, that I thought was the most amazing dream ever. It was also the worse dream I've had. Let me explain. The details of the dream are as follows:
It begins in the evening where I'm playing outside with my son. We are enjoying a game of billiards (because its totally a game for 3 year olds; but he loves it anyway) when all of a sudden I'm swooped up into the air. I'm flying, but without the wings. My son is thrilled to see my flying in the sky. All of a sudden I'm drawn to fly away from him to none other than the guy who this blog is primarily about. I arrive at his house, and we talk. I don't quite remember the conversation but I do remember him telling me that "I don't have feelings for you." In my dream I am almost convinced, and then he looks me in the eyes and he hugs me. I embrace him as though I will never get to hug him again. I feel myself ready to fly again, and as I begin to ascend we kiss.
"If I could fly, I would only spread my wings to soar the skies with you." -me
The dream is memorable for the shear fact that it didn't feel like a dream at all. It felt more like an out of body experience than anything. I still remember waking up cold. I remember how the sensation of flying felt on my skin. I remember some of the smells of the night air. And I also remember waking up more abruptly as though I was trying to catch my breath. Could it have been more than just a dream? I would like to believe so. Could it have been something that maybe not only I experienced, but he did as well? Sometimes I wish. It wasn't the only dream I had that involved him. There were others after that. It seems to be a reoccurring theme that the same message is told to me, with a backwards meaning. He tells me he doesn't like me like that, but yet we share these close and intimate encounters. I sometimes wonder if the only way I can be with him is to be with him in my dreams. It turns out to be one of the worse dreams I've ever had just because it pulls on the strings of my heart. A dream so sweet and evil. I want to believe they're real; but I have to face reality and know they are nothing more than just a dream.
He recently left to med school, and I think that the dreams might be triggered by the fact that I chose to ignore him rather than confront him. He had a going away party that I decided not to attend. I truly miss him a lot. He was a friend first, and a confidant. And yet I feel as though I'm missing nothing. I mean we barely talk now, and when we do, its nothing more than a message on facebook. So why do I still long for someone not in my life? Why do I want this person in my life, if he doesn't want me in his? I think the thing I really need to deal with is the fact that I'm attached to the idea of something being there when there's not. He told me in a letter, that we're just friends. Why don't I believe it? Why am I not convinced that he means what he says?
