I would tell you this in person, but I think I convey my thoughts more clearly in writing. I use to think that you were hard to understand. I couldn't easily read you. To a certain extent, I would still agree. But more recently, I've come to learn that you aren't that hard to read at all. I was once convinced that you meant it when you said we were friends, bff's, homies, or whatever. I'm not so convinced that you mean what you say, now. I'm agitated. You don't text me, you don't initiate conversation, you don't do anything; at least not with me. Why don't you ask me how my day is? Why don't you ask what's going on in my life? There's so much going on right now, and you wouldn't even know it if it slapped you in the face. And I'm beginning to wonder if all of this is because I told you how I feel. Sometimes I'm sorry I ever told you I had feelings for you. If I knew our relationship was gonna be like this, I might have kept it to myself. Nonetheless, I did tell you, and now for whatever reason "we" are awkward. I do feel like I'm focusing on this whole "friendship thing" too much. But I'm not sure you're aware, my friends are so important to me. Some people have family to rely on, and I don't really. So my friends are what keep me afloat when I feel like I am sinking (which is almost always). You especially were important to me. It was a pretty lonely life when I left school. I really didn't talk to anyone (I felt that some of the choices I made in life did not deem me worthy to talk to others. I didn't want to be judged). So when I decided to come back, you were like my first "friend." I didn't really know anyone. I hadn't talked to anyone since I left. So it was nice to feel like I had a friend that wasn't a "play date" mommy. You also got me through some of the things I couldn't help myself with, just by talking to me; just by noticing. But as I look at our friendship now, I feel like you're just doing "that thing you do" when girls fall for you. You're pushing me away. The only problem with us is the fact that we were "friends" first. I told you how I felt, because I needed to. It was bottled up inside, and I didn't want to live with the "what-if" scenario for the rest of my life. But I also made a conscientious effort to put my feelings aside to be your "friend," and I just don't think you get that. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I do what I do because I have feelings for you. That part is true. But it's not the whole truth. I also do it because I see you as a really great friend. I made that scrapbook after I told you how I felt, not just because I knew it was a really great present (no lies, best present eva!), but because I wanted to express the fact that you are a wonderful person and an important part of my life, and an amazing friend (so I thought). I invited you to the concert, because there aren't many people I know, that even know who Corinne Bailey Rae is. She is my favorite artist, and I wanted to share that time with a few of my friends who would appreciate the music. The only problem is I feel like I'm pouring so much into something that's not even there. So at this point in my life, I quit. I have to quit doing "this" to myself. As I evaluate everything, I realize that I'm losing a lot more than I'm gaining. This isn't about "I make you something, you make me something," this about just acknowledging that I'm a friend to you too. Yeah, you tell me that "you're amazing, you're the sweetest friend ever," but they really feel like empty comments. I can't keep giving to you in hopes that you'll continue to be "that friend." And so, I'm done. I'm just done. Sometimes I feel like a charity case to you. 'Be friends with her because it will make her feel better and it's the right thing to do. Besides, I don't know how to say no to her.' Bla, Bla, Bla. Here's the thing, I don't need you to be my friend. I want you to want to be my friend. You're hurting me more than helping me. You have convinced me with your actions that this whole friend's thing is totally one-sided. I want to believe that everything I've just said thus far is just me over-analyzing life like I always do. But my heart is telling me otherwise. I'm not sure if this was your plan or goal or whatever to "help me" get over you, but if it was, you succeeded. I'm still at a loss as to why you feel you have to avoid me, but whatever. I know asked for "space," but I never asked you to stop being my friend. Despite the fact that I'm quite hurt by all of this, if asked if I would go through this shit again, my mind tells me "fuck no." But my heart still says yes. Why, because you made me feel things I have not felt in a very long time. You made me happy. You made me feel like you cared. You were the first to acknowledge something was wrong, and to ask me what's going on my little world, and if I'm ok. I'm sorry that I ever brought you into this twisted situation. Anyway, thanks for the memories. Thanks for everything.
PS. There is no need to respond to any of this. An apology, or an explanation or a response telling me I'm crazy is not necessary. Enclosed is another ticket to the concert. I've made the decision that while it sounded like a great idea to hang out with you (at the time), I'm not really sure that I want to anymore. I would feel like you're there just to do me a favor. I don't want to feel like a favor anymore. It's not fair to send you to the concert by yourself, so I think you should invite who you want to go with. I hope you have a great time.
"I know what I said Was heat of the moment But there's a little truth in between the words we've spoken Its a little late now to fix the heart that's broken Please don't ask me where I'm going Cuz i don't know No i don't know anymore
It used to feel like heaven Used to feel like May I used to hear those violins playing our strings like a symphony Now they've gone away Nobody wants to face the truth But you wont believe what love can do Till it happens to you Till it happens to you
Went to the old flat Guess i was trying to turn the clock back How come that nothing feels the same now when I'm with you We used to stay up all night in the kitchen When our love was new Oooh love I'm a fool to believe in you Cuz i don't know No i don't know Anymore
It used to feel like heaven It used to feel like may I used to hear those violins playing our strings like a symphony Now they've gone away Nobody wants to know the truth Until their hearts broken Don't you dare tell them What you think to do Till they get over You can only learn these things From experience When you get older I just wish that someone would have told me Till it happens to you Till it happens to you Till it happens to you"
-Corinne Bailey Rae
