So In Love with Nothing.

I hoped that the feelings I had would be nothing more than a time in my life that I'd like to put behind me. But fortunately I have not. I cannot. I seem to be drawn back to this almost nightmare every single day. I had a dream recently, that I thought was the most amazing dream ever. It was also the worse dream I've had. Let me explain. The details of the dream are as follows:

It begins in the evening where I'm playing outside with my son. We are enjoying a game of billiards (because its totally a game for 3 year olds; but he loves it anyway) when all of a sudden I'm swooped up into the air. I'm flying, but without the wings. My son is thrilled to see my flying in the sky. All of a sudden I'm drawn to fly away from him to none other than the guy who this blog is primarily about. I arrive at his house, and we talk. I don't quite remember the conversation but I do remember him telling me that "I don't have feelings for you." In my dream I am almost convinced, and then he looks me in the eyes and he hugs me. I embrace him as though I will never get to hug him again. I feel myself ready to fly again, and as I begin to ascend we kiss.

"If I could fly, I would only spread my wings to soar the skies with you." -me

The dream is memorable for the shear fact that it didn't feel like a dream at all. It felt more like an out of body experience than anything. I still remember waking up cold. I remember how the sensation of flying felt on my skin. I remember some of the smells of the night air. And I also remember waking up more abruptly as though I was trying to catch my breath. Could it have been more than just a dream? I would like to believe so. Could it have been something that maybe not only I experienced, but he did as well? Sometimes I wish. It wasn't the only dream I had that involved him. There were others after that. It seems to be a reoccurring theme that the same message is told to me, with a backwards meaning. He tells me he doesn't like me like that, but yet we share these close and intimate encounters. I sometimes wonder if the only way I can be with him is to be with him in my dreams. It turns out to be one of the worse dreams I've ever had just because it pulls on the strings of my heart. A dream so sweet and evil. I want to believe they're real; but I have to face reality and know they are nothing more than just a dream.

He recently left to med school, and I think that the dreams might be triggered by the fact that I chose to ignore him rather than confront him. He had a going away party that I decided not to attend. I truly miss him a lot. He was a friend first, and a confidant. And yet I feel as though I'm missing nothing. I mean we barely talk now, and when we do, its nothing more than a message on facebook. So why do I still long for someone not in my life? Why do I want this person in my life, if he doesn't want me in his? I think the thing I really need to deal with is the fact that I'm attached to the idea of something being there when there's not. He told me in a letter, that we're just friends. Why don't I believe it? Why am I not convinced that he means what he says?

Where's my homemade cake?

I would tell you this in person, but I think I convey my thoughts more clearly in writing. I use to think that you were hard to understand. I couldn't easily read you. To a certain extent, I would still agree. But more recently, I've come to learn that you aren't that hard to read at all. I was once convinced that you meant it when you said we were friends, bff's, homies, or whatever. I'm not so convinced that you mean what you say, now. I'm agitated. You don't text me, you don't initiate conversation, you don't do anything; at least not with me. Why don't you ask me how my day is? Why don't you ask what's going on in my life? There's so much going on right now, and you wouldn't even know it if it slapped you in the face. And I'm beginning to wonder if all of this is because I told you how I feel. Sometimes I'm sorry I ever told you I had feelings for you. If I knew our relationship was gonna be like this, I might have kept it to myself. Nonetheless, I did tell you, and now for whatever reason "we" are awkward. I do feel like I'm focusing on this whole "friendship thing" too much. But I'm not sure you're aware, my friends are so important to me. Some people have family to rely on, and I don't really. So my friends are what keep me afloat when I feel like I am sinking (which is almost always). You especially were important to me. It was a pretty lonely life when I left school. I really didn't talk to anyone (I felt that some of the choices I made in life did not deem me worthy to talk to others. I didn't want to be judged). So when I decided to come back, you were like my first "friend." I didn't really know anyone. I hadn't talked to anyone since I left. So it was nice to feel like I had a friend that wasn't a "play date" mommy. You also got me through some of the things I couldn't help myself with, just by talking to me; just by noticing. But as I look at our friendship now, I feel like you're just doing "that thing you do" when girls fall for you. You're pushing me away. The only problem with us is the fact that we were "friends" first. I told you how I felt, because I needed to. It was bottled up inside, and I didn't want to live with the "what-if" scenario for the rest of my life. But I also made a conscientious effort to put my feelings aside to be your "friend," and I just don't think you get that. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I do what I do because I have feelings for you. That part is true. But it's not the whole truth. I also do it because I see you as a really great friend. I made that scrapbook after I told you how I felt, not just because I knew it was a really great present (no lies, best present eva!), but because I wanted to express the fact that you are a wonderful person and an important part of my life, and an amazing friend (so I thought). I invited you to the concert, because there aren't many people I know, that even know who Corinne Bailey Rae is. She is my favorite artist, and I wanted to share that time with a few of my friends who would appreciate the music. The only problem is I feel like I'm pouring so much into something that's not even there. So at this point in my life, I quit. I have to quit doing "this" to myself. As I evaluate everything, I realize that I'm losing a lot more than I'm gaining. This isn't about "I make you something, you make me something," this about just acknowledging that I'm a friend to you too. Yeah, you tell me that "you're amazing, you're the sweetest friend ever," but they really feel like empty comments. I can't keep giving to you in hopes that you'll continue to be "that friend." And so, I'm done. I'm just done. Sometimes I feel like a charity case to you. 'Be friends with her because it will make her feel better and it's the right thing to do. Besides, I don't know how to say no to her.' Bla, Bla, Bla. Here's the thing, I don't need you to be my friend. I want you to want to be my friend. You're hurting me more than helping me. You have convinced me with your actions that this whole friend's thing is totally one-sided. I want to believe that everything I've just said thus far is just me over-analyzing life like I always do. But my heart is telling me otherwise. I'm not sure if this was your plan or goal or whatever to "help me" get over you, but if it was, you succeeded. I'm still at a loss as to why you feel you have to avoid me, but whatever. I know asked for "space," but I never asked you to stop being my friend. Despite the fact that I'm quite hurt by all of this, if asked if I would go through this shit again, my mind tells me "fuck no." But my heart still says yes. Why, because you made me feel things I have not felt in a very long time. You made me happy. You made me feel like you cared. You were the first to acknowledge something was wrong, and to ask me what's going on my little world, and if I'm ok. I'm sorry that I ever brought you into this twisted situation. Anyway, thanks for the memories. Thanks for everything.

PS. There is no need to respond to any of this. An apology, or an explanation or a response telling me I'm crazy is not necessary. Enclosed is another ticket to the concert. I've made the decision that while it sounded like a great idea to hang out with you (at the time), I'm not really sure that I want to anymore. I would feel like you're there just to do me a favor. I don't want to feel like a favor anymore. It's not fair to send you to the concert by yourself, so I think you should invite who you want to go with. I hope you have a great time.

"I know what I said Was heat of the moment But there's a little truth in between the words we've spoken Its a little late now to fix the heart that's broken Please don't ask me where I'm going Cuz i don't know No i don't know anymore

It used to feel like heaven Used to feel like May I used to hear those violins playing our strings like a symphony Now they've gone away Nobody wants to face the truth But you wont believe what love can do Till it happens to you Till it happens to you

Went to the old flat Guess i was trying to turn the clock back How come that nothing feels the same now when I'm with you We used to stay up all night in the kitchen When our love was new Oooh love I'm a fool to believe in you Cuz i don't know No i don't know Anymore

It used to feel like heaven It used to feel like may I used to hear those violins playing our strings like a symphony Now they've gone away Nobody wants to know the truth Until their hearts broken Don't you dare tell them What you think to do Till they get over You can only learn these things From experience When you get older I just wish that someone would have told me Till it happens to you Till it happens to you Till it happens to you"

-Corinne Bailey Rae

A one-sided love story

After finding out that I made a complete ass of myself, I've come to realize that this is stupid. So after the party I attended on Saturday, a couple of us went to BJs. Why I ordered a drink is beyond me (well, not really, seeing as I felt like shit). Long story short, I got drunk, and apparently made an ass of myself. I think the idea of me being this head over heels for a guy is ridiculous. I think that maybe I needed the other night to realize this is stupid. It's a stupid one-sided love story.

I've spent the last couple of blogs talking about this guy, without really outlining why I might've fallen for this guy to begin with. So as I mentioned in my first blog, I'm married. I've been married for almost 3 years. We've been together for 6 years now. Was it love at first sight? No. Was there ever any love? Well, not really. I love him, and I still do, but I know I was never in love with him. Our relationship started off rocky when after a month he broke up with me. He said that there were people in his family that would probably not accept me because of my race. It was the first time I've ever felt discriminated against. Well, we did get back together but it was awkward for awhile. I constantly had conversations with him asking if we were really compatible. I would always say, that we don't have anything in common, and he would say back, "opposites attract." I think in some sense I was trying to get him to break up with me at that point. But we didn't. It was an up and down relationship as I tried to work out my feelings. A few years ago we had a huge break. In that time he and I happened to get pregnant. Right before we found out, we did get back together, but frankly I wasn't expecting anything permanent. We talked about marriage, and ended up going for it. I don't think either of us were really ready for commitment, he thought it was the right thing to do, and I wanted to get married on 7/7/07 (I know. I know.). Well, it's been almost three years, and today we had the talk. We got into another argument, and we decided that maybe it's best we separate. And if down the road we want to be together then we will be. Right now, I don't know what to take of this. I should feel a sense of relief, but I don't. I feel a sense of failure. I think I need to let this idea just sink in. As for the cranes, I started folding them yesterday. I'm about 40 cranes into the project. I can tell that this might take awhile. But I'm going to try not to give up. I guess I don't need anymore failures on my plate right now.

so goes the story of my life

I want to get past this feeling, and I'm finding it hard to do so. The other day, I was getting my hair done, and Macy Gray's 'i try' came on over the speaker. I read the lyrics, and it's exactly how I feel. Take a look:

Games, changes and fears When will they go from here When will they stop I believe that fate has brought us here And we should be together babe But we're not I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you And I'll keep my cool, but I'm feelin' [Chorus:] I try to say goodbye and I choke Try to walk away and I stumble Though I try to hide it, it's clear My world crumbles when you are not near Goodbye and I choke I try to walk away and I stumble Though I try to hide it, it's clear My world crumbles when you are not near I may appear to be free But I'm just a prisoner of your love And I may seem all right and smile when you leave But my smiles are just a front Just a front, hey I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you And I'll try to keep my cool, but I'm feelin' [Chorus] Here is my confession May I be your possession Boy, I need your touch Your love, kisses and such With all my might I try But this I can't deny Deny I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you (but I'm dreaming of you babe) And I'll keep my cool, but I'm feelin' Chorus

Long story short. This task is easier said than done. I'm in love. How do you get over someone you're head over heals for? Some suggest that I stop spending time with this person. And well I have. While we use to have these weekly lunch dates, I now only see him once a month if I'm lucky. We talk occasionally online or via text, but nothing extensive. That doesn't mean my feelings have just gone away. If anything, I think I desire to have him in my life more. Right before this party he invited me to, I went to follow up on something I saw on facebook. I did, and my world came tumbling down. I don't know why I didn't realize this sooner, but he got accepted to med school. Posted on his facebook, of course. Now don't get me wrong, I'm happy for him. But I'm overwhelmingly sad. He is really leaving. Why am I so emotional? The point of this blog is to get over him. What a perfect way to do so. Wisconsin is far. I really won't see him again. He will move on, and now, I have no other choice, but to move on too. I feel very broken-hearted right now. He didn't even tell me. I guess this should be a sign. If we were as close as I thought we were, he would've let me know. I guess now it's time for me to let go of these stupid insignificant feelings. I "wish" he knew how much I felt for him. I "wish" he knew how much I'll miss him. I "wish" he knew that I love him so much. I "wish" i knew how he felt for me. I "wish" he loved me back. I guess now it's time for me to grow up. I need to play the big girl role. I have no more tears to give him. He wouldn't know what to do with them anyway. Things like this make me never want to fall in love. I mean if I do, I'm just going to get hurt. So what's the point? I was going to invite him to the Corrine Bailey Rae concert in April, but what's the point. I feel like all of this is fruitless. I know, many of you are saying "he's still your friend." but to be honest, and I've known this for awhile, I can't be friends with him. I love him too much. I hate this mostly, because I know that when he leaves, he will be taking a piece of me with him. I'm scared that I will go back to my emotionless, detached-from-the-world ways. I'm beating myself up, for letting myself get so attached. Why do things like this happen to me? I never asked for this. I never wanted any of this to happen. I want to wake up from this nightmare, and never remember this dream. 1000 cranes for love? How about 1000 cranes for heartbreak.

So here's the backstory...

The idea of this crane thing has become more of a project than anything. My mind keeps changing. 1000 little wishes or one big wish. Why would I fold 1000 cranes? Partly because I'm crazy. But more importantly, because I'm in love. Let me tell you about it. I know this guy who I've known for some time. But more recently he has turned my life upside down. I fell in love. What's wrong with this you may ask? Well, a number of things. First off, I'm still not sure I know the definition of love ( but I'll elaborate on this later). Secondly, he is everything I(well most girls for that matter) want in a guy. He's smart. He'll totally deny it, but it's true. With more than a handful of associates degrees and a double major at a big university, he's got it in the brains category (not to mention that he's off to med school pretty soon). He's sincere. So I have confessed my feelings for this guy in a heartfelt and maybe somewhat mean(can't help it, I'm a bitch) letter. Instead of telling me that he's not that into me, he apologizes, and still offers to be my friend. But sincerity aside, he's also gosh darn cute. Let me tell you he has the most beautiful eyes. Not quite brown not, quite hazel, not quite green. He's tall. He's handsome. His name is somewhat exotic. (I would love to disclose, but I'm trying keep some anonymity to this blog, seeing as I'm about to reveal the number one reason why we won't work.). He also plays a million musical instruments. Now I over exaggerate with the number, but this kid can pick up a musical instrument he's never played before, and magically make music. He's very athletically inclined. He's done triathlons and marathons and he was a rower and he bikes. He's funny. Partially because I think he had a hard time fitting in in high school. So he learned how to be a cool kid and applied that once he got to college. He can take a story and make it funny, even if it wasn't. But let me stop telling you how good he is, because he does have his flaws. He's sometimes arrogant. He knows he can obtain pretty much anything he puts his mind to if he really wants it and he's not to shy to tell you. I think the 'jock-itude' rubbed off on him when he joined the row team, because he wasn't always like that. His arrogance especially shines when he's talking about girls. He has a tendency to tell me of his dates and excursions out with these girls (like I want to hear them). He knows that he can very well get almost any girl he wants and he takes that to his advantage to "shop around." Now don't get me wrong, he's no man whore, but he's still a guy. Anyway, I tell you all of this, because it brings me to my other point. He's so almost perfect, that we would never work out. He's everything I'm not. Frankly I don't want to elaborate on this idea too much, because it will lower my already sub-level self-esteem, but let's just say, "my ugly self has made some stupid choices in my not so fit-living musically challenged life. This brings me to the last reason why we would never work. I happen to be married. How does the last segway bring me to my final point. Well, it's this. One of the choices I made without clearly thinking it through, was getting married. I married my husband in hopes of one day falling in love with him, unfortunately I fell for someone else. Like I said before, it wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't quite content living the lie I've been living, but I sure as in hell was use to it. And then "he" came back into my life. I feel as though I'm being punished for my lie to my husband. And maybe I very well deserve to be. It's not fair to my husband to let me continue down this loveless road. I don't hate him, and I know he deserves someone who loves him back (that person just isn't me). I think the universe is telling me that this is what you get for lying. Fall in love with someone you know you can't ever have. Well, I tell the universe this: $&@! you. I live a relatively good life. Frankly I can't help who I fall for. I might have married my husband for all the wrong reasons (low self esteem, the baby, the fact that he was my first, our 3+ years we spent together), but I would think that I'm allowed a couple of strikes before striking out. Some of you may ask 'how do you know you love this other guy? or does he even love you back?' Well let's approach these questions one at a time. I'll be honest, I'm not sure what love is. But I do know one thing, he makes me feel. I mean I'm pretty detached from the world in front of me. I go through the day to day motions but with little emotion behind them. I find it hard to cry when things are sad, comfort my friends when they are having a bad day, and I find it difficult to be happy. Yeah, I do get angry sometimes, but overall there's not much there. Then one day, I feel. I feel an overwhelming feeling of happiness, contentment, sadness, and everything in between. He made me cry. He told me something deep. Something he hasn't told most people. This guys words moved me, and his tears unlocked something inside of me. Even before that day, that conversation, that moment, I knew I enjoyed his company. He made me happy. He took me away from everything that made me unhappy. Furthermore, he listened. He cared. I think about him all the time. Which leads me to answer the second question. Does he feel the same way. Realistically speaking probably not. Of course like a high school girl I see these signs that would make me believe he might. We talk about things that I'm sure he doesn't talk about with the other girls in his life. I know as a friend I can count on him if I really need him. But it's the way he looks at me, that makes me believe he might like me. It makes me believe that he might have liked me in the past. The look he gives me melts my heart. A few weeks ago, he helped me study for a final, and I have convinced myself that we had a moment together. I wrote this:

"When I touch his hand, my heart starts racing. Something tells me, he might feel the same. I gaze into his eyes and fall to pieces. These feelings I have are hard to explain. I'm nervous. I'm happy, I'm anxious, I'm sad. To be with him that short time feels like eternity. Happiness is being with him, to love him and be loved. My only wish: that he is a part of my life, always."

A look is all I'm going off of. A look and well, a wish. So the long story brings me to the title of this blog. 1000 cranes for love. Wishing on a star seems so typical. Tapping on a clock when all the numbers are the same is getting me nowhere. These cranes on the other hand mean a little more. I'm not sure if any of you have heard of Corinne Bailey Rae. She is my all time favorite artist (it helps that he likes her too). She has this video titled "like a star" (Check out the re-release version of it, because that's where this whole paper birds thing comes from). The words of the song speak my feelings for this guy. I mean, you couldn't put a song together any better than this (well except for her song "I won't let you lie to yourself"). But the video has these little origami birds in it. You can see them in the first minute of the video. So I thought I would fold a crane for this guy with the lyrics of one of her songs on the inside in hopes that he would figure it out, open it up, see how romantic and sweet the idea was, and tell me he has feelings for me too (yes, I live in a fantasy world sometimes. I'm sure we all do at some point in our life. I didn't mention that he never actually expressed his feelings for me. He just apologized when I told him how I felt. I feel like there still might be a glimmer of hope). As I was looking up the directions on how to fold one of those little paper birds, I came across a Japanese legend. The legend states that if a person folds a 1000 origami cranes, and makes a wish, there wish will come true. So I want to fold these cranes. What will my wish be? I'm sure you have guessed it. But I've thought about it, and fiddled around with the idea, and have changed the rules of the game. Instead of one great big wish for me, I hope to allow 1000 people to make one little wish. Each wish will be written on each crane. I hope that in the process of folding these cranes I might be able to find myself, and stop obsessing over this person. This project started out as another way to express my feelings for him, but as I move forward, I hope to make a 1000 little wishes come true. Please send me in you wishes, and don't forget to say tuned to see what I might possibly wish for. Thanks for reading.

P.S. Check out this wikipedia article to learn more origami cranes.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thousand_origami_cranes